her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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