I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
