Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
