My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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