When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
