Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
