He felt like a one man threesome
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
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Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
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I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Such a big mess for such a small penis
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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