My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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