She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
My vagina is officially offended.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
