I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
