I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
