he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize