The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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