Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
