Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
