This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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