I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
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