I'm pants shitting drunk right now
508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
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I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
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GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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