I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
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I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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