I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
