she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
