no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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