Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
