i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
