i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
