I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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