so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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