M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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