Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
