I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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