mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
