He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
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