Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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