This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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