my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
My bed smells like the plague
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
