I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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