Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Randomize
