i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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