Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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