I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Randomize
