Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
