I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
