i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
