in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
