And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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