I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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