Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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