Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
