There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
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