Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i wish my penis had a tongue
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
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