u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
