Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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