That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
