From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
