I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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