went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
