I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
i think i just lost a toe
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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