god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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