i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
where are my eyebrows?
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