A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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