I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
