i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
i think i have two assholes
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Randomize
