She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
